Tag: Pema Chodron

Find Out Before You Flip Out

Posted on by melaniethornton
A Canada good stands on the shore near the water and hisses.
Hissing Canada goose at Lake Willastein. Photo credit: me

Ted Lasso. I love that show. I enjoy the sweetness of it…the truth it shares about the power of being vulnerable and kind. Without sharing specifics so as to avoid possibly spoiling an unseen episode for you, I just want to quote one of the characters. In response to something Ted is going through, Leslie Higgins suggests, “If anything, you should find out before you flip out.” Find out before you flip out! Such simple and good advice. And so difficult to do, right?

You likely know the experience. You get a text or an email or voicemail with just a bit of information about a situation and your mind takes you to the worst possible conclusions. It’s an experience I know well. Usually there are two things happening almost simultaneously. There’s this physiological response that happens almost instantaneously. It’s as if the fear shoots through my whole body. Then my mind kicks into high gear and starts filling in the information gaps with all kinds of stories about what has happened. For me, it usually involves me thinking I’ve done something or not done something and that someone is upset with me about it.

So “find out before you flip out” is about interrupting this wild ride of emotions. Here’s a little wonder though. That initial rush of energy that feels like electricity coursing through my body…hat little bit of flipping out that first happen…That seems to be a sort of reflexive.… Read the full post “Find Out Before You Flip Out”

Our Regrets

Posted on by melaniethornton

Recently I was talking with a friend and she shared some regrets she had as a young mother. Her reaction revealed that she was still pretty hard on herself for some of the decisions she had made. Her regrets were for things that most people would think were fairly benign in the grand scheme of parenting mistakes. But I appreciated the depth of her emotions. It revealed her sensitivity to the effect this might have had on her daughter. It showed a real understanding of the difference between intent and impact.

Her tearful reaction to talking about these memories struck me deeply and has remained with me.

There are a lot of ways we typically respond when people share regrets. We say they should let it go. We tell them it wasn’t that bad. We say they shouldn’t feel bad about things. But as well-intended as those responses are, I’m not sure they honor the depth at which such feelings run within us. Some experiences just live inside us so deeply they cannot simply be extracted. And maybe they shouldn’t be.

Maybe such regrets live inside us as teachers in a way. Perhaps they are one of the sources of our wisdom and compassion.

I realized that it is these two things that staying with regrets offers: It can become the seed of compassion and empathy so that you can stand in the shoes of other people because you’re feeling exactly what they feel. And it spurs you on to help people in the future rather than hurt them.

… Read the full post “Our Regrets”
Working with Anxiety

Working with Anxiety

Posted on by melaniethornton

I’ve lived my life with a certain level of anxiety present on and off. Not an overwhelming amount. In fact, I didn’t really label it or recognize it as anxiety until a few years ago.

A paper cutout of a person is surrounded by words cut out of papers and magazines: social distancing, money, coronavirus, uncertainty, unknown, worries, health, economic, vaccine, evictions, investments
istock.com

With the onset of the pandemic, I began to experience a more intense level of anxiety. I had an undercurrent of anxiety with me most of the time, but occasionally it would spike to a level that was just shy of a panic attack. I felt pressure in my chest and nauseous. Then there were the burning and tingling sensations in my hands, arms, shoulders, legs, feet, and even my tongue. When it was at its worst, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from everything. I wanted to push it away. I resisted it and feared it, which just made it worse.

In the preceding years, I had spent a lot of time listening to talks by Pema Chödrön. She gives a lot of talks on fear and how meditation can help us in working with anxiety and other strong emotions. One of the techniques she teaches is described by the acronym R.A.I.N. The steps are as follows:

  • R = Recognize what is happening.
  • A = Allow the experience to be there as it is. Instead of trying to push it away, just know that the anxiety is here again. “There you are again” might be the attitude.
  • I = Investigate what is happening in your body. Get curious about where it is in the body and what it feels like.
… Read the full post “Working with Anxiety”