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Being Okay

Posted on by melaniethornton
Hands cut out of many colors of paper come together to form a heart
istock.com

Phrases like “Love is love” and “Love is never wrong” are deeply significant to us as members of the LGBTQ+ community. These phrases push back at the messages we received growing up. I grew up hearing all sorts of denigrating messages. As a lesbian, I’ve heard my brand of love and attraction described as: disgusting, sick, sinful, perverted, abnormal, and deviant. Many of these descriptions came from people I knew and loved. No matter how clear I am that these messages are wrong, they have still left a mark. In fact, research is revealing that continuous experiences of discrimination and microagressions* have an impact on the brain that is similar to that of other types of trauma.

As a young person, I rarely heard positive messages to counter these hurtful words. On an emotional level, I translated these messages into negative beliefs such as “I am not okay,” “I’m a bad person,” and “I am unloveable.” Sure, these beliefs are untrue, but they have operated on a subconscious level. These negative beliefs have had a huge impact on me throughout my life. I’ve placed other people’s happiness and importance above my own. I have held back. I’ve lived a smaller life than I might have otherwise. And I’m certainly not unique in this regard. In fact, many of my friends have experienced much more intense levels of rejection and hurt.

The Power of EMDR

As I mentioned in my previous post, Old Wounds Heal, Pal, I’m working with a therapist who is skilled in EMDR.… Read the full post “Being Okay”

Working with Anxiety

Working with Anxiety

Posted on by melaniethornton

I’ve lived my life with a certain level of anxiety present on and off. Not an overwhelming amount. In fact, I didn’t really label it or recognize it as anxiety until a few years ago.

A paper cutout of a person is surrounded by words cut out of papers and magazines: social distancing, money, coronavirus, uncertainty, unknown, worries, health, economic, vaccine, evictions, investments
istock.com

With the onset of the pandemic, I began to experience a more intense level of anxiety. I had an undercurrent of anxiety with me most of the time, but occasionally it would spike to a level that was just shy of a panic attack. I felt pressure in my chest and nauseous. Then there were the burning and tingling sensations in my hands, arms, shoulders, legs, feet, and even my tongue. When it was at its worst, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from everything. I wanted to push it away. I resisted it and feared it, which just made it worse.

In the preceding years, I had spent a lot of time listening to talks by Pema Chödrön. She gives a lot of talks on fear and how meditation can help us in working with anxiety and other strong emotions. One of the techniques she teaches is described by the acronym R.A.I.N. The steps are as follows:

  • R = Recognize what is happening.
  • A = Allow the experience to be there as it is. Instead of trying to push it away, just know that the anxiety is here again. “There you are again” might be the attitude.
  • I = Investigate what is happening in your body. Get curious about where it is in the body and what it feels like.
… Read the full post “Working with Anxiety”

The Power and Limitation of a Photo

Posted on by melaniethornton

I’ve been enjoying taking photos lately. And enjoying sharing them with others. It inspired me to add a Photo Gallery to this site. I’ve also been thinking about the difference between seeing a photo and experiencing a place.

Bright red and orange clouds float on the horizon and fade into a blue sky above. Silhouettes of trees can be seen on the shoreline. The sky and trees are all reflected in the water below.
Sunrise on Lake Willastein

Even the most striking photo cannot contain what our eyes and hearts can capture. The two-dimensional-ness of it cannot hold the full joy of the experience. It can’t capture the gratefulness that wells up inside at being there, at that very moment, witnessing the sun scatter colors too bright and varied to name.

It doesn’t capture the magic of not being able to tell exactly where the surface of the water is and the disorientation that follows. It cannot appreciate the moment when the eye lands on a plant that marks where the surface of the water actually is and how my mind has to recalibrate everything I see because it imagined the water’s surface to be higher. It can’t capture that moment of surprise and the enjoyment that comes from being a bit disoriented because the water and sky were conspiring to trick me and I feel pleased because I get the joke.

It can’t capture the amazement at the clarity of the reflection and the reminder that that the stillness of the water is the equanimity I should seek in my mind. Nor the moment of sadness and regret knowing that just recently I made a decision while the waters of my mind were rough and choppy.… Read the full post “The Power and Limitation of a Photo”

Old Wounds Heal, Pal

Old Wounds Heal, Pal

Posted on by melaniethornton

Content warning: Suicide

One of the last lines in the movie, The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood is “Old wounds heal, pal.” I believe that to be true. And I believe my old wounds are in the process of healing.

I mentioned in my first post that I was working through my own childhood trauma with a therapist. For several years, I had wanted to work with someone who was skilled in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Last February I got that opportunity. I was referred to an excellent therapist.

But let me back up a little…or actually a lot.

The most impactful childhood trauma I experienced was my father’s mental illness that ultimately ended in him taking his life when I was 10 years old. [Here my focus is on my own experience, but I want to acknowledge my empathy for my parent’s own trauma and will address that connection in a later post.]

Things were very different back then. I never saw a counselor as a child. And there was so much shame surrounding a family member committing suicide that it was hardly ever talked about.

When I was older, I did a lot of work on my own—reading books about surviving the suicide of a parent, writing about it, talking it through with a few trusted friends. In junior high, I even wrote a poem about my dad’s suicide. Eventually, I thought I had it sorted out. I could talk about it without being emotional.… Read the full post “Old Wounds Heal, Pal”

What Do You Want More Of?

Posted on by melaniethornton

In my post entitled As the Winter Solstice Approaches, I mentioned that one of the questions I was posing to myself was “What do I want more of?”

As we consider what we want to be different in the coming year, we sometimes think about things we don’t want to do or things we want to do less of, but posing our questions and stating our goals in the right way is important because it helps our brain help us.

Let me lay the groundwork for this for a moment.

Have you ever been driving somewhere that you go often, such as work, and you suddenly find yourself in the parking lot and have no memory of the drive there? Your mind was wandering somewhere else. But your subconscious mind was in full control, getting you safely to work.

On the other hand, have you ever been heading somewhere and suddenly find yourself going another route, perhaps taking a route that you frequently take? Again, your subconscious mind took over, but this time it wasn’t so helpful, taking you the wrong direction.

Both examples show how powerful the subconscious mind is. It can be harnessed to help us meet our goals if we learn how to formulate our goals in ways that our subconscious mind understands more easily.

Our subconscious mind:

  1. Does not process negation as well as positive statements.
  2. Understands images better than words.

So asking yourself what you want more of leads to positive statements that are more easily understood by the subconscious mind.… Read the full post “What Do You Want More Of?”

Trust the Process

Posted on by melaniethornton

Four months ago, I started hiking up Pinnacle Mountain weekly. It’s not a long hike—just 1.5 miles. But it is challenging hike with an elevation gain of 725 feet in that short distance. It has been a great weekly workout and a big part of my healing journey.

About a month ago, the person I hiked up the mountain with noted how much easier it seemed for me that day. It was true. I thought to myself, “Yes, I put in the work and effort and suddenly I see the benefit.”

During that same time, on an emotional front, I was going through some very challenging situations. I had some very painful moments and also moments of feeling like I had not made any progress. But I stayed with the things I had learned.

  1. Emotions are energy and if I sit with them long enough they will transform.
  2. High emotional reactivity is probably not about the present moment so don’t act on it in the present moment. Slow down.
  3. Emotions are also data that help me recognize the things from my past that need attention. They point me toward other work that needs to be done. And that’s a great thing!
  4. Don’t take things personally. That’s sometimes easy and at other times feels impossible. But so much of what I am reacting to is not really about me.

So as I worked my way through that difficult time, I was able to say the same thing I said about climbing the mountain, “Yes, I put in the work and effort and suddenly I see the benefit.”… Read the full post “Trust the Process”

Snufflebergville Square

Snufflebergville Square

Posted on by melaniethornton

[I wrote this in 2005 and it still seems to be relevant. Though not exactly related to the content here, I’m sharing it just for fun. However you spend this time of the year, celebrating a holiday or not, I wish you peace and joy.]

It was the hoIiday tradition in Snufflebergville.
Mayor Regal came out to light the sign on the hill,
But instead of the usual ceremonial event
He read a proclamation, and this is how it went:
“Because we have Widgins and Sneefers and Geefs,
It is no longer fair to just wish Merry Guhneef!

It is not right to include one and leave out the other.
Though religions may differ, we’re still sister and brother.

“So the big lighted sign that stands o’er our town,
The time has now come for it to come down.
A new sign will be raised to stand in the square
To wish “Seasons Greetings” to ALL who go there.”

Now some in the town gave a hearty, loud cheer.
But some simply hissed. Some booed and some jeered,
“Guhneef is a time that we sing, eat and pray!
And no stuffy mayor can take THAT away!”

And a Sneefer shouted out as the trumpets too-tooted,
“Well, it’s about time that we were included!”
The people all left but a battle was raging;
There were cell phones a-ringing and pagers a-paging.

Soon people were saying that poor Mayor Regal
Was trying to make celebrating Guhneef illegal.
Mrs. Snernoggin called Mrs. Fondeegle
And they exchanged stories about Mayor Regal.… Read the full post “Snufflebergville Square”

Pebble Meditation

Posted on by melaniethornton

One of my favorite meditations is one that Thich Nhat Hanh teaches. It is a meditation that is taught to children in Plum Village in France. Even though it is designed for children, I find it to be a very helpful structure for myself and for people of any age. I especially like that he selects four items in nature—a flower, a mountain, a lake and the sky—to symbolize the qualities of equanimity he teaches.

Beginning meditators may find it to be helpful as well.

Here is how it goes.

Gather four pebbles. If you don’t have pebbles available, you can use other items but if you like the meditation, I encourage you to find some pebbles to use.

Sit in a comfortable position and place four pebbles next to you on the ground or chair. Pick up the first pebble and say:

Breathing in, I see myself as a flower. Breathing out, I feel fresh.
Repeat: “Flower, fresh” for three breaths.

Say silently to yourself “flower, fresh” and breathe quietly for three in and out breaths. Focus on really being a flower and becoming fresh.

Pick up the next pebble and say:

Breathing in I see myself as a mountain, breathing out, I feel solid.

Repeat silently to yourself, “Mountain, solid” for three breaths.

Picking up the next pebble, say, “Breathing in I see myself as still, clear water, breathing out, I reflect things as they really are.”

Repeat silently, “Clear water, reflecting” for three breaths.

Picking up the fourth and final pebble, say “Breathing in I see myself as space, breathing out, I feel free.”… Read the full post “Pebble Meditation”

As the Winter Solstice Approaches

Posted on by melaniethornton

This coming Tuesday, December 21st, is the Winter Solstice.

Though I hate to admit it, I never gave much thought to the summer and winter solstices until I began working as a park interpreter at Toltec Mounds State Park in the mid ’90s. The park is the site of a prehistoric Native American religious and cultural center. The Native Americans constructed mounds that aligned with the solstices and equinoxes. Reading Native American legends about the sun’s movement across the sky gave me a new appreciation for the seasons and specifically for the winter solstice. While the solstice is the shortest day of the year, it also marks the point at which the days begin to lengthen. Indigenous people celebrated the winter solstice as a time of renewal. It is truly Mother Nature’s new year’s day.

A friend recently asked me what significance the winter solstice holds for me. It has become a time of reflection and renewal for me…a time for fresh starts. Personally, it feels more harmonious with the earth to celebrate and reflect on new beginnings on the winter solstice than on the beginning of the calendar year. As the days lengthen and the earth is bathed with more and more sunlight, we know that soon seeds will begin to germinate and plants begin to have new growth.

I like to contemplate what I want to grow in my own life. This year, I plan to ask myself these questions.

  • What do I want more of?
  • What would I do if I were not afraid?
… Read the full post “As the Winter Solstice Approaches”

Soaking It In

Posted on by melaniethornton

To walk among flowers and breathe in their beauty,
To sit by a stream and soak in its calm,
To be covered at night by a blanket of stars,
To let the prothonotary warbler teach me its song.

The universe offers us opportunities to be amazed, intrigued, and appreciative. It is easy, though, in the business of life to become distracted by other things and not take notice of the wonder around us. To remain in a posture of wondering, to be an active wonderer,  is part of my commitment with this blog.

There is so much to learn. There are endless tangible wonders to discover—enough to give one meaning for an entire lifetime.

What will you do this week to soak it in?

Come forth into the light of things, let nature be your teacher.
William Wordsworth

Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts.
Rachel Carson

… Read the full post “Soaking It In”